Friday, September 15, 2006

Scandinavia: an Ongoing Problem

In Norfolk, I have often vaguely hoped that the many war planes flying out over the North Sea indicated that our long-delayed invasion of Norway had at last begun. This is because, like most of my compatriots, I resent Norway and, indeed, all of Scandinavia. Throughout my entire life, I have been told that things are better there. In Sweden, we used to be assured, everybody had sensational sex all the time. Later we were told that the Scandinavian economic path was the brilliant Third Way between capitalism and communism. Now, television tells me, public services there are much better run than ours and, thanks to excellent school lunches, Finnish children are miraculously thin and nice and compared to our own sweet lard arses, scowling and torching up gaspers behind the disused bike sheds. And today I wake up to the news that the Swedes are in the midst of an Indie band boom. Well, let's be clear, Abba were over-rated and only the British - and, occasionally, the Americans - do proper guitar bands. Burning with resentment, I was about to torch a Swedish flag outside the embassy when I discovered, half way down the article, that these Swedish so-called 'Indie' bands are proliferating because of government arts funding. Only the Scandinavians could have come up with an idea so insanely po-faced, so patently ludicrous, so grotesquely smug, as goverment funding for 'Indie' bands. False alarm, recall the invasion barges.

9 comments:

  1. Re Abba: it is impossible to overrate a band that contained the finest pair of derrieres that ever walked the earth (and made at least half a dozen of the finest pop singles).

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  2. Well, Aon, I can hardly comment on the derrieres but didn't you find their pop a little, how shall I say, technical?

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  3. Yes but the deadness was part of their icy charm - the Mamas and Papas sometimes had it as well - I Saw Her Again? What a song...

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  4. Scandinavia has always fascinated me. They somehow seem to sit back and watch the world, perplexed. They are 'quiet' countries (i don't know if we should worry about this?) Things seem better there because their entire population amounts to about 73! (which would make the invasion of Norway, at least, easy). I am rather jealous of their clean air, lack of Tesco's and public transport.. ...but, isn't it Finland which has the highest suicide rate in the world?

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  5. A sound point, Lee, I dimly remember something about the Scandinavian enthusiasm for topping themselves. The World Health Organisation figures seem a little out of date, but they do suggest that Finland does have more suicides than most. Mind you,. Estonia and Latvia are higher, but this could be to do with their proximity to Scandinavia. And it's a wonder there's anybody left in Lithuania. What is their problem?

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  6. I tend to blame the Scandinavian suicidal tendencies on low self-esteem resulting from the vicious assaults on the weblog of a Mr Bryan Appleyard.

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  7. Having spent a fair bit of time in Denmark (which you have strangely neglected to mention thus far), I can testify that, unlike Sweden, which is apparently rather morose, it is a very jolly place, full of long-limbed blonde lovelies of both sexes cycling and/or skipping about and smiling. Everything is clean, most things seem to function properly (or at least as they were intended), they all make good coffee and the landscape is extremely picturesque. Not to mention the beaches. Indeed, I gather that it was recently named the Happiest Place on Earth (next to Carshalton, one assumes) - and that's despite the high taxes needed to pay for all this loveliness and efficiency. Don't ask me why I'm not still there?
    Yours,
    Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush

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  8. Ah doctor - how very true, especially about the long-limbed blonde lovelies - you should know...

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