Saturday, December 23, 2006

Forecasts for 2007 (4)

The now headless Gordon Brown receives an asbo and a restraint order preventing him from being within 300 yards of your favourite blogger after an altercation in an Islington restaurant when I invite him to become the third member of the Failed Intellectuals Society. As the Great Fog lifts in June to reveal 200,000 Bulgarians, Michael Jackson and Tom Hanks camped on the Heathrow runways, Kim Jong-Il, fearful that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in danger of claiming the new Nobel Evil Bastard Prize, kills and eats a puppy in a CNN special prior to strangling Larry King with his braces (supenders?). In the interests of peace, Nigella Lawson, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and Gordon Ramsay offer their own puppy recipes on a 24-hour telethon in aid of Bulgarians left behind in Bulgaria. Kofi Annan calls for a diplomatic solution. Saddam Hussein, just before his execution by his preferred method of being pelted with Kurds, is visited by a tearful Donald Rumsfeld. American invades Iran because it's right next to Iraq and Afghanistan. Kofi Annan calls for a diplomatic solution. As Microsoft Vista is withdrawn for another five years when it is found not to work on computers. Google takes over Canada, intending to take Seattle from the north. President Ahmadinejad appeals for calm.

9 comments:

  1. Is everyone out shopping ?

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  2. Tendrils of cold fog frame the elegantly slim Victorian buildings. The icy-cold air mixes with the greasy but enticing odour from the burger-van. In quiet desperation, shoppers plunge into the sodium-lit heat of Woolworths, cheap flat-screen 32" LCDs tugging insistently at their peripheral vision.

    Outside, the daylight is ebbing from the sky, and the shop windows shine unhappy affluence onto the hassle of shoppers, flitting across the tessellated brick surface of the pedestrianised street.

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  3. The difficulty of forecasts is that the truth is these days always stranger than fiction.

    Mr. A has provided me a good laugh, but I have no doubt Lembit Opik will be lected president next year with his cheeky girls consort and that Gordon Brwon will seek to show his true inner self on celebrity big brother. Alongside Mr. A of course...

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  4. May I just say that I absolutely abhor Christmas shopping? And yet, with two kids, I have to do *something*. Today I did it all -- the blitzkrieg shopper, c'est moi. They'll open their presents on Monday and like 'em, dammit. And another gift they'll never know about: All those people still alive and shopping, despite my mental death rays!

    Mme. Scrooge

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  5. Kofi Annan? Me thinks new secretary general of UN is Ban Ban Ki-moon of South Korea. YOu know, the one who sang at his swearing in ceremony. Not too serious then! David, no shopping for me. The whole family got Spamalot tickets for 27th December (including my sister and brother-in-law)and my daughter and I will see Velazquez exhibition earlier in the day. So, culture, good dinner (Taz Pide by Globe theatre, highly recommended Anatolian Turkish) and then a good old Monty Python sing song and laugh.

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  6. You are getting hotter, Bryan. You'll be on the front cover of Time next year. Or at least Woman's Own. You have talent, Gordon. As I read your comment, I was transported to whichever god-forsaken, benighted, little suburban hell-hole you were describing. I could smell the burgers, feel my eyes drying in the dead heat of Woolworths and my wallet emptying as I made another pointless purchase. A 'hassle' of shoppers: it captures it perfectly.

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  7. I said Kofi called for diplomatic solution, it is what he does irrespective of whether he is secretary general or not.

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