Sunday, December 24, 2006
As the Americans are pinned down in the desert by film crews, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gives an exclusive interview to Katie Couric. 'I always wanted,' he explains, 'to be Noel Coward or, failing that, Cary Grant, but I lacked the skin tone, figure, talent, charm, wit and pronounceable name. My struggle has been to come to terms with the fact that all I can do is irritate Americans.' With its entire population now relocated to Peebles, Romania is declared a World Heritage Site. President Putin cuts gas supplies to Falkirk in protest against the American attack and, on a visit to London, tries out an exciting new poison on Prime Minister Reid. Its only effect is to make him slightly less Scottish. George Best rises from the grave to make a moving appeal to the people of Ulster. 'You must get drunk and shoot at each other," he says. Sadly, this changes nothing. Kim Jong-Il tells Al-Jazeera he always wanted to be James Stewart. To universal disgust, Tony Blair calls for a new realism. 'We must engage with both Manchester United AND Chelsea,' he says. Cherie buys Arsenal and appeals for calm. And, finally, following the worldwide success of his book How to Live Forever or Die Trying, Bryan Appleyard announces the first volume of his memoirs, The Life of Bryan: I Am Born. He issues an appeal for calm.
Posted by Bryan Appleyard at 5:49 am