Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The Japanese carebots here at the Lousy Bastards retirement home for the diplomatically challenged are ruthless in their insistence on our strict adherence to the Sheryl Crow one square of toilet paper rule. It's not quite how I saw my twilight years, but it's nice to be saving the planet. The only humans we see now are very fat cleaning ladies whose mothers hit puberty at the age of nine and then gave birth while watching the Teletubbies on an enormous flat screen TV. This meant the lucky child did not have to be moved for the first three years of its life. The cleaners are always stressed after a Full English breakfast with chips, but this does not seem to trouble their artificial stomachs. Having drunk nothing but Gatorade for most of their lives, they are all now on their fifth sets of teeth. The carebots refuse to do the cleaning and are demanding equal rights with these ladies, but they tend to shut up when we show them pictures of Will Smith. All in all, taking one thing with another, I can't complain. It's not a bad place, especially now that Rummy and Phil are no longer around screaming obscenities. But I do miss the bees.
Posted by Bryan Appleyard at 5:59 am