Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Excess and Sexcess


Elberry has elected me as his mass murderer of choice. It is his very idiosyncratic form of flattery. He knows I have a truck and suggests it looks like this. I do, but it doesn't, though it is, I feel, sexy. That is a lot more than can be said for the cars on the Forbes Sexiest Luxury Cars list which consists of the usual supercars. None of these are sexy because they're either overstated or undriveable on public roads and almost certainly slower than your average saloon at getting from A to B. I can understand the desire to drive around in a beautiful sculpture, but, sadly, car styling is at a low ebb. Purely on grounds of taste, one would would not wish to be seen dead in a Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano, an empty signifier of mere excess. Top Gear, of course, attempts to categorise on the basis of 'cool', but this is inadequate. 'Sexy' involves all sorts of more interesting overtones. As, I assume, we all know, the sexiest car on the road is the Land Rover Defender. Surely we can agree on that...

15 comments:

  1. I've always considered the SUV the style equivalent of the ten gallon hat.

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  2. Amanda MarcotteApril 18, 2007 3:09 pm

    If I was a car instead of a woman I'd be very economical and aerodynamic car using used vegetable oil as fuel and very comfortable to sit in it. There would be no ash-tray as there would be smoking allowed in the inside of me.

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  3. The Land Rover Defender may or may not be a fine figure of a four-wheeler, but it's lumbered with one hell of an ugly name.

    It's like discovering the girl you really fancy is called Semolina Herpesbottom. Or Edwina Currie. (Shallow, yes, but this is a discussion about cars.)

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  4. Agree, No. Recognise the thing, Yes. The TANK, what woman out there, pictures her man, leaping out of the tank and into the defender, without 'ponce' jumping into her head, unbidden. While the Ferrari XXX, useful as it might be for pulling birds on a Cap D', the odd little thought in the birds head is IDIOT/Meat, dependent on age.
    A religious test is useful when checking the sexiness of motors.
    Can you see yours or any, driving the thing, if yes, then the thing IS NOT sexy.

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  5. And what the fuck is wrong with being called Edwina Currie? Both names roll off the tongue in a delightful manner and the sound of the two spoken in tandem transcend all aural pleasures. And as for Amanda's odd manipulations of our fine language, what is one to make of Bryan's, "I do, but it doesn't, though it is, I feel, sexy." The do thee dough.

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  6. Oh Jesus i didn't know anyone actually READ my blog...i may have considered some degree of tact otherwise. People keep saying i'm not very tactful and have poor people skills. People say many things, mostly unkind and true.

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  7. Lamborghini - just say it - ... beautiful sound and reeks of succsex.

    Other, more realistic, candidates appear to have random letters XK SL (Mercedes website well worth a visit just to play incidentally - go to "From A to S class").

    Just off to drive home in my Ford Focus Zetec Diesel Estate- BAH!

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  8. Susan, your friend in PhillyApril 18, 2007 5:14 pm

    The Porsche Currie: Now that's a spicy car!

    Love your piece on getting a truck, Bry. Very well written & funny and ends with a kick. I aspire to write non-fiction as well as you do....

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  9. Darling Brian,

    I am afraid that I must disagree with you here. The Audi Q7 is indeed the sexiest car on the road. I have one, and it just oozes power, elegance and a hint of bling - a big hint of bling actually. Just a touch more unusual than the other SUV's on the road, and a little more street cred!

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  10. Will you be at the NEC next week for the CV Show, dribbling inappropriately over some shiny big truck then?

    I've a media reception on Monday evening there and you're more than welcome to attend...

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  11. I read Clarkson could be leaving Top Gear - a shoe-in for you maybe?

    I love the show but never got the fetish for cars. Emmylou's sexy - I can understand that!

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  12. I see the mid-life crises are running along nicely...

    I suppose if you have to fetishise some posession, you could do worse than cars. They're marginally less destructive than guns.

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