Saturday, April 14, 2007

The Squirrel Plot


Nige the indefatigable draws my attention to a headline in the Croydon Advertiser - 'Squirrel Burns Down Man's Cottage'. This is troubling. For some time Dave Barry has been a voice crying in the wilderness on the matter of squirrels - here is his latest post. They are conspiring against us. Grey squirrels - not the charming and beleaguered red ones - do, indeed, have a shifty look. In fact, their assault on the red squirrel population was plainly a dry-run for the anti-human campaign. I wouldn't be at all surprised if they had something to do with the break-up of William and Kate, news that has shocked and demoralised an entire nation and softened us up for the next offensive. (The picture is of counter-squirrel operator Nige in heavy disguise. I publish it here to refute an outrageous suggestion from one commenter that he did not exist.)

15 comments:

  1. In what sense is he in disguise?

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  2. Is Nige aware of his striking resemblance to Groucho Marx?

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  3. He is wearing a squirrel on his face, Andrew. And only recently, Chip

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  4. Is that man in the background wearing a hat?

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  5. Susan B. (Nige doubter)April 14, 2007 4:17 pm

    Bryan, is that you with a Groucho Marx mask on your face? Sure looks like a newsroom to me!

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  6. If the squirrels team up with the cats, we're buggered.

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  7. Doesn't he realise that the EU banned the face-wearing of squirrels back in 2003?

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  8. Grey squirrels are a government conspiracy. I'm sure I spotted a camera on the head of one the other day.

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  9. Susan, that is a newsroom. And that in itself is proof that it is not me. I work from home and regard newsrooms as the devil's work.

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  10. to return to the topic ;-), squirrels are the devil's work also. They eat all the bulbs in my garden so no snowdrops, crocii (crocuses?) etc. My daughters refuse to let me remove them humanely (use cylindrical squirrel trap and cart them off to nearby Richmond Park) as they say it would be cruel. So no flowers for me.
    Newsrooms, schmoozerooms -- aren't they all scattered over the globe (ie in people's back bedrooms) these days, rather than being in one site? Subs' desks, now, that's another matter.

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  11. Squirrels are damned clever little wretches. I spent an hour today working on putting back up the "squirrel proof" birdfeeder that the buggers managed to cleverly remove from its perch, drop on the ground, and eat all the seeds from (while also squashing a row of hyacinths).

    Maxine, they're hell on my bulbs, too -- they like to pull them out of the ground, take one bite, and then just leave them there. Luckily, Callie the dog goes berserk when she sees the squirrels and they've learned to run when she's thundering across the lawn to get them. She's probably saved my garden, part of it anyway.

    I think squirrels are becoming the new weedy species (to quote D. Quammen), by the way. They join roaches and sharks and will be here when the rest of us are extinct.

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  12. Maxine, that's the whole point of newsrooms. The plan was to get them all into one spot, or a few at least, and then cart them off to a secure prison on an undisclosed island. Only then would the mind-control stop. But someone was asleep at the switch, or chickened out. The word got out,and now they're scattered to their bedrooms. The smart ones, at least.

    Must begin plan B. First step: recruit squirrels.

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  13. As someone who knows and admires Big Nige's widely famed sartorial elegance, I can tell you that the Facial Squirrel is letting him down somewhat by neglecting to brush its tail in the morning. Damn shame. Still, it's blended into the office very well, I'm sure you'll agree.
    Yours, Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush

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