Tuesday, May 01, 2007

How to be Drunk

I find myself doubting the social responsibility of Cal Wineries, though, at the same time, admiring their practical, can-do approach. Here, you will observe, they tell us of Common Field Sobriety Tests and How to Pass Them. 'When tasting wine,' says Cal's resident piss artist, 'it's common to drive from one winery to another.' Well, quite, and, in the process, it is quite likely you will be pulled over and asked to do something silly by a police officer. His 'how to beat' notes for each of the tests are excellent, especially when he says, 'Do not talk to the officer.' They are, however, quite demanding. It is hard to imagine, for example, reciting to yourself 'one alligator, two alligator' etc without deciding instead to tell the officer your life story, how much you really love him and advising him to take up the Nut Diet.

14 comments:

  1. Right-minded Englishmen of my generation know that the greatest film of all time, Withnail and I, provides the best trick for the inebriated motorist. All you require is a bottle, a tube and small child.

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  2. the film also tells us that, if pulled over by a copper rightly suspicious of the stack of empty bottles in the passenger seat, you must say, "These aren't mine. I've only had a few ales."

    And if the worst comes to the worst and you are dragged into the back of a van for a beating, it is advisable to shriek, "Look here, my cousin's a QC!"

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  3. I think I would struggle to complete some of those Field Sobriety Tests even when stone cold sober.
    Cal Wineries ought to provide an inter-winery bus route (with an on-board loo and karaoke machine).

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  4. Susan B., temperate wine loverMay 01, 2007 3:13 pm

    Here's the thing: When wine tasting, you are supposed to *spit out* what you've tasted, not swallow it. "Recrachez le vin!" But Americans swallow it, not only prejudicing their palates against the wines to come but getting DRUNK.

    And some of those roads in Napa and Sonoma are pretty darn windy. Luckily, there isn't much to run into, other than other drunk wine tasters.

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  5. I think some alcohol is absorbed through the palate, Susan, so sobriety may be hard to achieve for any travelling taster of any nationality.

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  6. Alcohol should be snorted through the nose so as to enable the alcohol to encounter the brain in a quicker and more potent manner. As taste is deeply connected to the nose, if when in the public field anyone should complain about one's imbibing in this manner, one should explain that by snorting, one is extracting the maximum value from the drink in terms of both taste & bouquet.

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  7. But Americans swallow it, not only prejudicing their palates against the wines to come but getting DRUNK.

    Susan, American exceptionalism is a multi-layerd gift.

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  8. As well as being an appalling waste, I've always thought that spitting business is sufficiently disgusting to ruin the whole tasting experience.

    Once again, three cheers for America.

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  9. And make sure to wash your hands after taking a piss.

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  10. At least in the States, the point of wine-tasting is, duh, free wine. It would be impolite to give it immediately back.

    On the other hand, as edwina points out, it is perfectly acceptable to transfer it a couple of wineries down the road.

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  11. Andrew - don't ask me why, but my friends and I would engage in that very practice when I was in my teens. Tequila seemed to be particularly effective, as I recall. The recollection, of course, is somewhat hazy. And it's not something I now care to reassess.

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  12. Well Johnny, the post did emanate from experience, though admittedly experience of looking on at a few heroic friends, rather than personal indulgence. Something biased me against trying it for myself.

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  13. Although not a right-minded Englishman, I have tried Withnail's deceptively simply strategy. It didn't work out for me. It was the small child part that presented the greatest challenge. On reflection, I think I should've procured the unadulterated child's piss before getting completely shit-faced. We live and learn.

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  14. When are you up for parole, Neil?

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