Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Music for Dads' Day

Father's Day looms; the sock shops are empty, the smell shelves have been stripped of Cool Water 'by' Davidoff, sales of Frank Lampard's Totally Frank are enjoying a modest surge and, amidst the torrents of snail mail sent to me by desperate PRs, I find a double CD from UCJ Music. 'Dad's Anthems' it is called. I have some trouble with the apostrophes - whose Dad are we supposed to be discussing here? Should it not be all Dads? - but I mustn't lose sight of the big picture.'Father's Day on June 17th,' chortles the press release, 'will not be complete without this collection of bold and classic music!' In a survey, apparently, the theme from The Great Escape - you know duh-duh...duh-duuuuh-duh-duh-du - has emerged as the number one Dad's Anthem 'across the company of experts'. (What? Never mind, big picture.) These platters that matter also include Star Wars, Dam Busters, Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Hitler?, Jerusalem, Nessun Dorma, Rule Britannia, the British National Anthem, Braveheart, Land of My Fathers etc etc. 'Whether they are tired from work,' gurgles the release, 'missed the football or just needed cheering up, this album is sure to bring a smile to any father's face.' The Dad in the imaginations of UCJ's 'company of experts' is insanely militaristic, prone to lachrymose sentimentality, outbursts of desperate patriotism, violent fantasy, brief episodes of religiosity and atavistic cravings. This sounds about right, though they seem to have missed out the morbid obessions of Dads like me. All they had to do was include The End, written by Nico and performed by The Doors, or possibly Leonard Cohen's Dress Rehearsal Rag - 'There's a funeral in the mirror/And it's stopping at your face.' - and my June 17th would have been complete.

12 comments:

  1. The ability of the Record (why not CD or MP3?) Industry to find new ways to repackage their back catalogue is wearing thin.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Looms, Bryan. What looms. Looms is the coffee canister with a mornings coffee. Looms is the sixteenth of June, not May. For God sake.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Funny, Bryan. I fancy a lobotomy for Father's Day. But I'll settle for a pair of socks and a cigar.

    ReplyDelete
  4. well I have trouble with the word Anthem.

    all these ''anthem'' styled compilations are aimed at people who don't really care for music, the culturally deaf. that's why it doesn't seem to matter what's on them.

    F-Day is a cruel obligation to land on kids. I mean, a Mum is a mum, a universal constant where ever she be, genetically disposed to like hand-drawn cards, chocolates and flowers. Dads, on the other hand, are a heterogeneous mob for anybody to cater to.

    ReplyDelete
  5. To be a Dad, I think one must be a guy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dad's Anthems? I'll take a gross. Although on the cutting edge of postmodern thinking and thankful for the myriad blessings of radical gender equality, I get in touch with my inner misogynist everytime I'm exposed to the new barbarism of young women singing national anthems at sporting events. Even when done well, like here, it's awful, as the faces of the players attest. Don't people realize anthems should only be song by baritones who sing as if they were about to depart on a mammoth hunt or raze Carthage? Like here. Don't women understand anymore what gets us in the mood to protect them from Nazis and Islamicists and other things that go bump in the night?

    Sorry, I have to go. The wife wants me to clean the toilets and do the shopping. I'll be back. Dum-dum...dum DUM dum dum dum...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Susan B., friend of men,May 30, 2007 2:51 pm

    Don't know what's funnier -- your post or some of these comments. Long live guys!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Though I do admit to a strong aversion to the word guy, or even its plural, guys.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Worried a vowel might slip, Andy?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I don't know what you mean, Susan. Anyway, the Irish word of choice 'lads' is more in the nature of being idyllic. I've also diffused many potential violent situations by calling with raised voice to the potential and even actual protagonists with the words, 'Come now gents, I appeal to your better natures. We are not barbarians.' It always works and I suspect most of the success down to the civilising effect of 'gents'. Guys however having an equivalent cultural depth as the McChicken Burger would clearly be inadequate in diffusing such dangerous situations.

    ReplyDelete
  11. True enough. Guy Fawkes *was* incendiary.

    ReplyDelete
  12. guy is not sex determinate. surely you meant to use the word, bloke. or is that perhaps not gay enough?

    ReplyDelete