Friday, July 20, 2007

Labour: Stoned and Stamping

The revelation that the laid-back, hard-tokin' Labour front bench - motto 'keep on truckin' -  is, in reality, just the latest incarnation of Ken Kesey's Merry Pranksters means that an early election is certain. I even have this exclusive photo of the Home Secretary's Battle Bus - it's loosely modelled on Kesey's strangely named vehicle, Further.
Now I don't really do politics at this level but I think it's pretty clear that the only reason the ol' night trippers have suddenly come clean about their heroic consumption of controlled substances is, of course, to crush Cameron by embarrassing him on the drugs issue. In fact, crushing Cameron is the only reason Brown has done anything since he came to power. When I interviewed Cameron, he said of Brown's method of parliamentary debate, 'It is literally 'you are evil, you are dead, I will kill you. I will stamp you into the ground until my boot is banging up and down on your face.'' Even so, I think he underestimated the extent of the problem. Brown has been successfully stamping on his face for some weeks now and the Tories don't know what to do - not entirely surprising as, let's face it, this seems to be a pretty thick bunch. And that's not all the stamping he's been doing. He's also stamped on the face of the one threat to his power within his own party. Miliband the Elder, the foreign secretary, seemed to be entirely out of the loop on that 'we may cut loose from America' exercise in plausible deniability. The scale and the fury of this stamping - Brown has not actually done any running of the country - indicates an early election. The likely date seems to be in February and, unless the Tories can find an IQ pill before then, Brown will win and Old Labour will re-emerge to stamp on all our faces. But, as I say, I don't really do politics.

18 comments:

  1. 'Tis a pity you don't, Bryan as you're far more entertaining, and enlightening to boot.

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  2. I'm not surprised. I would be more surprised if any of them hadn't had a whiff! Instead I wanted the Rt. Hon. Mrs. Smith to have confessed to being Madame Jacqui, a Kensington Dominatrix with a penchant for chastising high court judges dressed in nappies. She's certainly got the right expression for it.

    I hear the Tories had to advertise themselves as ''David Cameron's Conservative Party'' on the ballot paper. This sounds to me too much along the lines of ''Les McKeown's Bay City Rollers''. They came third.

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  3. 'It is literally 'you are evil, you are dead, I will kill you. I will stamp you into the ground until my boot is banging up and down on your face.'' Even so, I think he underestimated the extent of the problem.

    lol.

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  4. Oh, thanks, Ian, that's just the kind of gag people don't normally notice. Thanks also, Ronin

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  5. I don't do politics either, but this fashion for dope-confessing is hilarious.

    Note how the standard response must be: "I had one or two puffs at university 30 years ago (just to prove that I wasn't a complete politics geek and above joining in with the ordinary people) and I didn't particularly enjoy it (I was above it really)."

    Never: "Heh heh, yeah, I was completely stoned off me noggin pretty much 24 hours a day and I friggin loved it. AND I'D DO IT AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAH!"

    This would make a great anti-drugs campaign for today's kids though: "Don't do cannabis or you could end up in a New Labour cabinet."

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  6. I think they should have a special confessions amnesty day for politicians - let it all out, we won't judge you! oh no! then after that day, if anything comes out we can say; oi!, you had yer chance!, and bring me the boot of Gordon!

    but to preempt that occasion, I think we should all confess our unoriginal sins here, so we are not encumbered with the beams in our eyes.

    I once had a space muffin (but I didn't swallow)

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  7. And a return to old Labour would be a bad thing how? Certainly willing to give it a try - completely bored with all this jostling for the centre/ centre. And anyway, it's not possible to move back to a non-world that was never realised, or as if the last decade had disappeared in a puff of Harry Potter smoke. Bring it on. We can always shout if we don't like it.

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  8. Clearly the only hope for the Tories to regain credibility now is for Cameron to die a rock n roll death, out of his head on the most exotic drugs known to man and snorting coke from the navel of a poule de luxe....
    Thank God we Just Said No, eh Bryan?

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  9. Mopsa:

    Boredom is a good thing in politics. Remember the curse about interesting times?

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  10. Well, quite, Nige, and you're right, Brit

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  11. The only person who seems to be laughing maniacally this morning is Lord Levy. I thought he said he hadn't been taking anything. Strange world.

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  12. strange how remote politics & the big newspapers are from what ordinary Joes actually think. i'm all for politicians screwing their secretaries & taking pot: surely most people are? Why this big furore every time a politican does something ordinary & human?

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  13. nooo, elberry. taking drugs is one thing but the other is an abuse of position. next you'll be condoning them fiddling their expenses!

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  14. as long as they're too busy fiddling their expenses & banging their secretaries to go about starting wars & fitting more CCTV, it's fine by me, good use of public funds.

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  15. River of DeceitJuly 20, 2007 12:52 pm

    If Cameron came out and tentatively said that our drugs policy is not working and we should at least look into the possibility of legalisation i think he would destroy Brown. Brown, toadying up to the hardliners on cannabis, would look instantly old and presbyterian whereas Cameron would seem in tune with our present day world.

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  16. I can't be persuaded.

    their slogan should be;

    Do Drugs Not Secretaries, We're Watching.

    and then they'd be a new tiny logo beside, more ambiguous than ever before - is it two fingers up with a spliff between, or stocking clad legs around a thick phallus? who knows, and who really cares.

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  17. well, it makes a change from Evil, God and Jeff Archer.

    legalisation of drugs. the drugs will still be there. the addicts will still be there. organised crime will still be there. the police will have less to do.

    so, why don't we just get rid of the police?

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  18. Late to the party I know, but I think you're wrong Bryan. It hardly matters at the moment what the Tories are doing. We've entered the season of silly so let things just rock along. The GCF will soon enough drop his guard. As they used to say in the states below the Mason Dixon line - the south will rise again.

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