Friday, August 17, 2007
Thoughts Experiments' new tabloid health section, How Not to Die, today brings you important news from the not dying frontline. Those of you who took the advice about light exercise are in imminent danger of dying! The truth is, as super-buff hardbodies like me 'n' Nige have always known, is that you must exercise furiously and to the exclusion of all other activities if you are not to die. Meanwhile, Raj Patel comes up with some important thoughts about obesity... important but incomprehensible. Having read this article three times, I still don't know what he is saying. But I'm sure it's very disturbing. Finally, news from Germany. 'Vee haff brokken ze speet off licht,' say Drs Nimtz and Stahlhofen. For any readers who don't speak German, this translates, very roughly, as 'We have broken the speed of light.' The not dying implications are obvious... though probably only to the our resident physicist Gordon McCabe. And, while I am on the subject, what happened to tachyons? These particles are supposed to be predicted by Einstein's relativity and can travel much faster than the speed of light. They can also attain infinite speed in finite time and can, therefore, pass through every point in the universe simultaneously. Now they only appear in Star Trek episodes. Yet tachyons, I am convinced, hold the key to not dying.
Breaking News! Blood pressure can make you die! A worldwide blood pressure plague could set back the whole not dying project. Act now to get rid of pressure in the blood.
In tomorrow's How Not to Die: Celebrity beauty editor Nadine Baggott reveals her not dying secrets.
Posted by Bryan Appleyard at 5:54 am