Saturday, August 25, 2007
We all know about WAGs - the wives and girlfriends of footballers - and we may be dimly aware of HAGs - Hollywood awful girls like Paris Lohan and Lindsay Hilton. Thought Experimenters will regard such creatures with an uneasy mix of irony, derision, pity and contempt. We should not forget, however, that young females regard them with admiration. And, as it happens, almost all young females work in bars, shops and restaurants. But they don't want to, they want to be like the WAGS or HAGs, famous for shopping and partying. This means they do their jobs badly, reluctantly and, should they become dimly aware of a customer, with attitude squirting out of their ears. Meet the ZAGS - the zero attention girls. Walk into a pub whose bar staff consists entirely of ZAGs and you would be well-advised to walk out. The following things are certain to happen. Possessed of the absurdly deluded idea that this pub exists for the purpose of selling drinks, you will attempt to make eye contact with the nearest ZAG. She will look away and become suddenly obsessed with making a phone call, slowly clearing glasses or vaguely wiping some already clean surface. If you are in a restaurant the ZAG waitress will be obliged to talk to you but will take revenge by gleefully explaining several negative things - this is 'off', the bar is busy, whatever - before taking down your order incorrectly and bringing you a Campari and soda with no ice. Shop ZAGs will be affronted by any interruption to their conversations. They will be unable to work the credit card machine and they will be wholly unaware of what their shop sells. All of these things happened to me yesterday. Some of them happen to me every day. The ZAGs are on the march. It is time for the BABs - bitter ageing bastards - to strike back.
PS. It occurs to me that nurses are, in fact, ZAGs.
Posted by Bryan Appleyard at 5:42 am