Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Spooks Spoiler: Adam Carter to Save Harriet Harman

On the television news last night a right-wing splinter group took over a BBC chat show studio and, at gunpoint, demanded to know the truth about the Iranian bomb. Luckily their leader was killed by an MI5 agent, though he managed to put a bullet through the stomach of the Iranian diplomat whose wife had been having an affair with the MI5 agent. He said it was just work but everybody else thought it was love. On Newsnight Jeremy Paxman said the whole thing was a storm in a teacup. 
Meanwhile, on the spy show Spooks the British government was being brought down by a shadowy businessman from the north-east who had been pouring money into the Labour Party via a series of thickly accented local front-men who, cunningly, had been brainwashed into making no sense when they spoke. The whole thing is thought be a revenge attack by disgraced former leader Blair against disgraced leader Brown. MI5 agent Adam Carter was sent to Annapolis to kill Blair, but, though he is Middle East peace envoy, he wasn't there. Next week: Adam meets Cherie and sparks fly.

17 comments:

  1. I've never seen spooks. I still find it odd that I only recognise two of the cast; firth from double-deckers and jenny agguter from walkabout. the rest could be the staff at woolworths for all i know. actors look so ordinary thesedays. i expect that's a good thing for acting but not so good for actors.

    whereas politics...

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  2. If only real life spying was as sexy as spooks. Even the journalist was trendy and well dressed. I watched 10 mins and found it too incredible, so had to settle for light relief from Biggins. Finally, is Harriet Harman some kind of Android? I mean, is she a real person?

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  3. Spooks has become such a cliche of 'correct' BBC thinking as to be farcical.

    The basic story of any plot is that it is Christian fundamentalists/Far right xenophobes/The Americans/The Israelis who are the main threat to the UK. Any one from a Muslim or Middle Eastern background is peace-loving, innocent and busily being tarred by a conspiracy of the above.

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  4. Not forgetting, Recusant, the animal liberation lot who are always letting off bombs all over the place in BBC dramas. This Muslim no-go area in public discourse is beyond a joke though - it's bordering on the suicidal.

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  5. Perhaps Carter will turn up meeting the shady North East businessman in a car park in Gateshead, or has that already been done ?

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  6. Spooks is great entertainment - but oddly it seemed to be suggesting that the right wing extremists (Whites Against Islam!!) were partly at least justified in their actions. Unless I misunderstood it and Yalta turn out to be the good guys?

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  7. For god's sake, won't someone do an unabashed The Sweeney-like tv show with some balls? We need a hero cop who smokes, commits adultery, is bisexual, hates Muslims and Jews and gays and women and Americans, gets the job done through old-style 50s police brutality, eats pies, owns a savage dog called Tulip, pistol whips people with annoying ring tones, takes bribes, but is capable of beating down our adversaries. Such a show would perhaps lure me into getting a tv again.

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  8. Wow, that's a heck of a concept elberry. Sounds like Dog the Bounty Hunter on crack. Bravo might well commission it. Turn off for me though - I already get enough of all that at home.

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  9. Took the words out of my mouth, Bob

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  10. My show, provisionally titled 'Psychotic Cop', could also feature some malevolent dwarves and a travelling orchestra - an orchestra of murderers who are also world-class musicians. i'm not sure if they'd be good guys or bad guys yet.

    But there would be a dumb chief who would haul my hero - let's call him Elberry - into his office at least once every episode, and demand his gun and his badge. My hero would casually toss these onto the dumb chief's desk while eating a ring doughnut and drinking his coffee: he really wouldn't give a damn. He'd also be smoking and probably looking at a porno mag while the dumb chief gives the usual 'you're a loose cannon, Elberry' speech.

    And at the end of every show, Elberry - having settled matters by killing a bunch of ugly tattooed people - will be reinstated and the dumb chief will shake his head in grudging admiration and say, "Goddamn it, Elberry, you're one f*cked-up son of a bitch, but you keep the streets clean."

    There may also be an arch-villain who commits Poetry Crimes but i'm not sure what these are yet.

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  11. It gets better and, of course, is entirely credible. However, if elberry hates Americans, why does he drink coffee, eat doughnuts and report to a chief who says godammit? You could iron out his cultural confusion by allowing him to have a penchant for cucumber sandwiches and report to a gnarled Scotsman (akin to Gordon Jackson in the professionals). By the way, the dead tattooed criminals would also benefit by having studs, rings and other metal on their faces.

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  12. i like this idea, modelling my hero not on Popeye Doyle but on Roger Scruton. He could wield a gentleman's cane and retire to wine bars to sample Montepulciano d'Abruzzos, Hannibal-like, then emerge, full of a genteel rage, to take his action down to the street.

    It would be better if he were called, simply, 'Scruton', and played by Roger Scruton.

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  13. Now you're talking. Try Scruton for the pilot. If that bombs, bring in Biggins. His success in the Aussie jungle is sure to boost ratings.

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  14. It has been said so often that it has become considered fact but, unfortunately Recusant & Nige, Spooks featured a muslim terrorist in it's very first series. While it's true that virtually the entire cast has changed since then that's still no excuse.

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  15. Like Gobineau, Scruton does not believe in activity. So he would not be an ideal hero sitting at home fulminating...

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  16. I can see Elberry as the new Jason King. Swanky, hairy, effeminate, yet manly in a 1970's kind of way.

    http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j221/superporn_photos/king.jpg

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  17. The subtitle of the show could be "Scruton tried Philosophy, now he's going to try violence!"

    The pilot would open with Scruton marching across his fields at dawn in his tweeds, with his dobermanns. He comes across a gang of chavs cavorting in his fields to their horrible chav muzak. They are drinking Mad Dog 20-20 and popping pills. They have names like Baz and Gaz and Bex.

    Scruton is taken aback. He attempts to appeal to their innate rationality and humanity. They throw their bottles of Mad Dog 20-20 at him. One strikes him on the temple and he passes out.

    He comes to later, surrounded by his loyal circle of dobers. The chavs have now departed, leaving filth in their wake.

    Scruton clutches his brow, his hand is bloodied. He tastes his own blood. A moment of realisation.

    Scruton raises his cane to the sky and bellows with Homeric rage: "I have tried Philosophy! Now I will use violence!"

    His dobermanns bay at the skies in unison. Credits roll.

    Next scene will have Scruton (in his Jag) driving into London to investigate the Chav Phenomenon. He could, perhaps, meet Bryan at this point and ask his counsel.

    Scruton: What are they, these beasts called 'Chav'?

    Bryan: They are punchbags for my fists and boots. They are target practice. I run them over in my black truck of death.

    Scruton: Now I understand.

    Bryan: Yes. For too long you have been patient. Now it is time to act.

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