Sunday, November 01, 2009
'You should see it,' said my wife, '15 million people watch it.'
'But,' I protested, 'they are 15 million bad people.'
I watched it. Here are my observations.
1)The oiky estate agent presenter should take out a restraining order against his tailor.
2)The instrumentation was sluggish and horribly arranged and the miking was so bad that the sound stage was utterly flat making it an effort to hear the singers at all.
3)'Cheryl Cole' wore a dress from the wardrobe department of the original series of either Doctor Who or Star Trek. Simon Cowell's haircut was redolent of the Mercedes G-Wagen, very flat-sided. The function of the latter was to pass through narrow gorges; I cannot imagine the function of the former. His cleavage was unwise.
4)The other judges presented as severely bi-polar.
5)All the singers I could hear were flat.
6)Amusingly, the twins John and Edward were accused by Cowell of being flat. As they were performing Queen's monotonous chant We Will Rock You, the charge of being 'flat' seemed beside the point. They were the only act that managed to overcome the sound stage problem.
7)None of the singers understood phrasing. Or melody. Or rhythm.
8)The conceptual problem of the show is that it makes the performers pathetic supplicants - before the judges, the voters and the coaches. It is impossible to be a supplicant and command the stage. The twins pulled it off.
9)All the dramas involving the judges were patently rigged. The whole thing was cynically manipulative to a degree I would not have believed possible.
10)The 15 million viewers are not bad. They are cattle.
Posted by Bryan Appleyard at 5:50 am